Fan Fun Opinions #03 - Top 10 Worst Films That I Have Ever Seen

So, once again, let me reiterate how lowly I think of opinions, including my own.  For clarification, here is an excerpt from my Fan Fun Opinions 01 Rant:

  

So, in my opinion, opinions mean absolutely nothing.  Well, absolutely nothing as far as useful dialogue or cognitive consideration or problem solving or creativity or personal evolution or evolution of any sort, or really anything of substance or purpose at all.  It was once said by a wise man, "opinion is the wilderness between ignorance and knowledge," or something like that.  However... opinions are fun.  They're fun to share and banter about with friends and peers and they're fun to sling around in casual socialization, but that's about as far as the usefulness goes.  Doesn't mean I don't enjoy the hell out of some good ole opinion banter, as long as we all know that none of it REALLY matters...  We know our opinions don't mean a thing here at biab, and we rejoice in that freedom and knowledge.

Winner of 4 Razzies, well earned

In that spirit, there is utterly no criteria for this list whatsoever outside of my own unapologetic subjective take, aka 'opinion'.  So don't go getting all wound up about it.  Just make a list of your own that is equally unsubstantiated.  That's the beauty of opinions, no-one can prove them wrong.  It is absolutely true that I think these are the worst films ever.  Now, are they?  Well, likely, of course not.  First off, how could we ever determine such a thing about creative endeavors? Secondly, for god's sake, and this should be obvious, the list is greatly limited simply due to the fact that I haven't seen every film made.  However, do consider that I rarely see "shitty" films on purpose, so there's that.  For example, I've never seen a Fast and Furious anything, or Transformers, or the new Zach Snyder whatever, etc.

No more insight into this list of disapproval than that, but it will no doubt leave some bothered, angry, or head scratching.  My answer - Don't take it so seriously, it's just my opinion. 

So, with that classy clarification of my general outlook on opinions, I continue this fun little series of random and poorly thought out "top 10" lists.  Enjoy our second Opinionfest installment.   

Without further ado, my absolutely true opinion about the worst films that I have ever seen in full. 

 

 Top 10 Worst Films That I Have Ever Seen

Note:  This list is comprised of the worst films that I have ever sat through in full.  Major releases and films with distribution deals (including indie) are up for consideration.  No student films or Festival films without distribution deals will be on the list - well, because that's no fun, it's mean spirited, and it's too easy.  Plus, I might have to consider my own work on a list like that, so no way.

10.  Walk the Line/I Saw the Light:  Pretty much the same film, so ya know...  Biopics that belittle the stories of fascinating people by minimizing them to a singularity and narrative-beat formula that misses the entire essence and special significance is an insult to the subject matter and an utterly vapid way to tell a story.  You CANNOT tell an entire life in a linear comprehensive style in approximately 115 minutes.  It's an absurd concept.  How about this, reference Milk, Malcom X, Control, Naked Lunch or numerous others that did it in an innovative and respectful fashion.  Sometimes an entire story can even be told through a single moment in a person's life.  Imagine that.  Even that Churchill film with Gary Oldman figured it out.  That's all we needed to know about the man (well, other than the imperialistic tendencies, racism and mysoginy, but I'm sure they'll cover that in the next one).

9.  The Holy Mountain:  Well, this one is on here for some personal relativity for sure, as well as my formalist analysis of the film itself.  This is the arthouse, avant-garde film that everyone seems to reference in conversation when trying to sound sophisticated and versed in edgy cinema.  I guess it must pop up on Jeopardy a lot, and the sort.  So, I'm tired of folks bringing it up assuming that I MUST adore it because it fits so neatly into my cannon of tastes, apparently.  Yes, it has some pretty cool artistic imagery at times, but that is not enough unless maybe your name is Warhol.  In reality, it's the most pretentious, self-indulgent, overly self-aware and not self-aware at all, transparently premeditated, "look at me" film that I've ever seen.  Self indulgent nonsense that I can't fathom how anyone other than Jodorowsky himself could find value in, but I'm pretty sure he was fine with that - hence the problem. So, after you watched it and shook your head a little and had that thought, "Hmm?  I don't think I got it?", I offer you this comfort - Don't sweat it, there was nothing to get.  How about you check out Maya Deren, Luis Bunuel, Stan Brackhage, Jonas Mekas, Jean-Luc Godard and Guy Madden and get back to me.

8.  Half Baked:  Umm, do I really have to explain this one?  I mean, Chappell himself thinks it's a giant stinker.  I don't know how the stoners of the world weren't the most offended of all.  This is the most patronizing and not funny cliche stoner film ever.  There should have been a stoner uprising, but I think we all understand why that didn't happen.  I hear it's had a bit of a retro-revival currently - that's a shame, and makes no sense.  It's still terrible.  How about a little Chris Tucker in Friday - now there's a great stoner film.

7.  Jurassic Park (1993 original):  It stinks.  It really really stinks.  I should just leave it at that, but I won't.  Spielberg should be embarrassed.  He should know better, but obviously doesn't.  Yes, the special effects were fantastic and even age well, but without a story worth caring about, well, who cares?  And, if I ever have to see or hear those screeching children again...  Why do folks think casting children as annoying brats is appealing or appropriate?  The kids I know are smart as hell and would never behave like those beasts.  Umm, casting???  Really??? (with the exception of Goldblum, of course, but he couldn't even save this one).  It seems like the masses agree that the sequel was kind of awful, but it's pretty much the same movie as the original, so I don't get the discrepancy in popular reception.  My twelve year old nephew totally got how bad this film was on first viewing and humorously noted the weak storyline and characters the entire time, while agreeing that the special effects were cool - So why can't everyone else see it?

6.  Plan 9 From Outer Space/Glen or Glenda:  Yep, it's the quintessential cliche answer to worst American filmmaker and film ever, but sometimes there's a reason for cliches.  The only debate is which is worse between these two "auteurist" Ed Wood films.  Now, I don't in anyway think he was the worst filmmaker ever, and I have a sweet spot for ole Ed, hence the no. 6 ranking.  He was endearingly honest in his pursuits (honest hearted that is, not necessarily an honest man, ha) though misguided.  Glen and Glenda (which was personal to Ed Wood) deserves some credit for even attempting the subject matter in those times.  It's actually a bit bewildering that it ever got made, but it's bewildering any of his films got made, and a whole lot did.  So, go Ed!  You really are an utterly inept filmmaker of the most joyous nature.  I think Plan 9 has to take the stinker win between these two, but I'll leave it up for debate.

5.  The Island:  The only Michael Bay movie that I have ever seen in full.  A good film production friend of mine that commonly disagrees with my cinematic perspective (with intelligent, aware fervor) got me to watch this in an attempt to prove that Bay had actual filmmaking chops.  Yeah, his attempt backfired terribly.  All I can assume is that the others go downhill from here, but I'm not sure how you go much lower.  Michael Bay is not a filmmaker.  He's something, but not a filmmaker.  No need to show a parody or critique for something that does the work for itself.  Enjoy.

4.  Catwoman:  Just a giant piece of %&*# in every regard.  Have no idea why it was ever made.  Well, yes I do, but it's not good.  If I were being completely honest with this list and looking at nothing other than what happens between those four magic lines, this may actually be the "worst film" I have ever seen, period.  It won Four Razzies, including Worst Actress for Halle Berry, who impressively embraced the badness.

3.  Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull:  How dare you?!  Just, how dare you?!  I can't even discuss this one comfortably, as it trampled childhood love and magic with the fury that only an old fart Lucas could muster.  Yes, I actually blame Lucas more than Spielberg, but both of their hands are dirty, and never shall I forgive them.  To understand my full intensity of feelings on this, watch South Park, The China Problem, S12 E8 .  I couldn't possibly express it better.

2.  The Blind Side:  One of the most blind films that I have ever seen (see what I did there?)  Racist, inconsiderate, white savior, belittling, embarrassingly bad melodramatic nonsense that does real damage.  Everyone involved in this movie owes the modern world and the should-be hero of the film, Michael Oher, an infinite apology.  A film about racism, made by white people harboring racist perspectives.  Hmm?  How did that turn out?  Well, I hear the Academy loved it - but you know, self congratulatory white people congratulating themselves - it's just what they do.  Not to mention, the production quality and performances played like a bad ABC after-school special from 1984.  It made the afternoon soaps look high-brow.  So, you know, on top of being blatantly racist, there's that.

1.  Avatar 3D:  James Cameron, you take the cake! - but it's digitally generated, so don't try to eat it. 

Oh goodness, here we go.  I'll try to keep it simple, the way Cameron kept his script - so simple it read like a seventh grader wrote it.  And, if a 13 year old had written it, I probably would have given the kid a B, or at least a C plus for effort, but Cameron is a grown man with an enormous budget to play games in front of green screens.  Mr. Cameron, what to say.  You're just the worst.  You may play interesting games once in awhile, but you are no great filmmaker.  Not even in the discussion, regardless of what your ego (likely a hologram of Sigourney Weaver) whispers in your ear at night.  

Remind me, how did that bold prediction you made about 3D taking over cinema go?  Weren't you going to be the father of the new 3D cinematic standard?  Hmm?

Walter Murch (arguably the most respected film editor and sound designer in modern cinema, winner of an Academy Award in 1979 for a little editing project know as Apocalypse Now, and the author of the preeminent guide to film editing theory, In the Blink of an Eye) wrote this about 3D and it's relevancy, partly in response to Cameron's assertions:  

"It doesn't work with our brains and it never will.  The notion that we are asked to pay a premium to witness an inferior and inherently brain-confusing image is outrageous.  The case is closed... 

dark, small, stroby, headache inducing, alienating.  And expensive.  The question is:  how long will it take people to realize and get fed up?"  Damn right.

So, if Avatar had been a digital image experiment, a short to show off technological advancements, or a video game on display at a SXSW tech tent, maybe it would have held up.  As a movie, it's the most adolescent and tone deaf attempt at an environmental message ever, and once again, I'm pretty sure it was written by a 13 year old boy named James Cameron.  Lucky for everyone, he has spent the last decade or so making "the sequels that nobody asked for."  Maybe it'll give me a reason to revise this list.

Oh yeah, and Alien over Aliens for life!  How is that even a discussion?  Ridley Scott would bite off Cameron's head in a caged death match.  Just saying.

*Special Mention - Most Recent "worst" film that I've seen:  The French Dispatch

*Uncertain Dis-Regard (Dishonorable consideration):  

A.I. (once again, how dare you, Spielberg), 

The Birth of a Nation (do I really need to explain?), 

Brotherhood of the Wolf (similar issue as Holy Mountain, but the "foreign film" version), 

The Boondock Saints (just for all the millennials out there - it's really not as good as you think), 

Australia (Baz wrote a real bad poem, and I don't even like his good ones)